Post by neonomad on May 10, 2008 23:34:19 GMT -5
Hello,
My name is Britta.
That link leads to a video that explains some of
it... I made it a several months ago... (my skin has now since healed or 'scarred' a bit more but I always fear it will return to be as bad)
It's coming up on a year since I started getting really sick.
Since I've been self diagnosed (approximately seven months now), I have done nothing but research this and similar cases in different ways, i.e. - medical journals, online support groups, even
writing doctors back and forth from all over the country...
Right before the skin problems began, I moved to Illinois to get to know my biological father. I was raised in a single mother home and this truly was a whole different experience for me - he sells commercial aircrafts and I was told he would help me start college (as I never had the money to do so before)... naturally I had to at least give this a shot.
A month or two after I arrived ( around August 2007) I started to fall very ill and noticed deep sores on my left arm that would not heal. This slowly progressed to these appearing on my abdomen and face. At this time I had been working at a Trader Joes and going to classes , starting what I believed to be my future. It was to say the least a full-time deal. My father thought I was just having a case of acne or impetigo maybe, and then later I came to find out was constantly being told by his wife that it was my 'poor hygiene' and that I didn't know how to live a 'clean way'... I was doing this to myself. Anytime I needed medical attention, I was made to go to one of those ' sliding scale' clinics. I took a series of different bloods tests (CBC and both Hepatitis) and even made myself get a PAP just to rule out everything. The doctors were all the same, I was always in and out and prescribed some kind of cream, pill... I either had dermatitis, impetigo, or foliculitis. Of course my headaches, my recent loss of vision, and my poor immune system was never taken into account or explained. Eventually I felt so sick I could no longer function at work or in school. I felt like a complete failure and my father made this feeling more concrete. He could not understand, how could he? Ultimately my father did not accept nor acknowledge that an 'unknown disease' could exist.. we are a society to believe that whatever is not in our books must not be there- and this is why so many scientists and doctors are having problems confronting this now (if they choose to confront it at all). I was no longer the cute perfect blonde hair child that my father once remembered, and so I eventually began to evolve a perspective from behind different eyes (I now consider I gift of sorts) to the ways of modern humanity, society, social class. My father didn't ask for this, and he was already under so much stress from work. He didn't need a daughter who is 'making' herself sick. No one could understand, not even myself, and it became this paranoia that everyone I worked or went to school with would think I'm on drugs or was a meth user. So then alas after only getting worse in the environment of Illinois, I came back here to the mountains. I'm staying with my mother out in a modest 'house' on a tiny dusty ranch in not the most ideal of living circumstances... but it's somewhere. My mother is also in no condition mentally or financially to understand this either..so at twenty- one years of age, I'm all I have.
I have been told I might be one of the youngest to simply aquire this on my own.
I've been to over twenty Emergency Rooms in the past two years-
I've dealt with problems involving my lymph nodes (a phase of frequent strep throat infections starting at 19 ending at 20) and chronic fatigue prior a couple of years before noticing signs of morgellons (i.e.non healing sores, lesions, blurry vision and of course the neurological effects- which might now also be related to the phase of strep)
I try to do everything recommended - I have tried
changing my diet many times, taking homeopathic supplements, working on my immune system, detoxifying my liver and taking my doxycycline hyclate...
I meditate.
Some days are better than others... but at the end
of the day..I'll still have a collection of scars and the occasional
sores (especially when I'm not on my doxycycline).. and I'm almost always in some level of pain.
I used to be a pretty exchange student who traveled Europe for a year and had high hopes for the future... now I'm stuck in a very difficult and seemingly perpetual stagnant state- all I have now is my
spirituality to try and find some balance in things... but it is hard to even do that at times.
I wish I could do everything and anything for every single person going through this...because it seems like we might be the only ones to help each other...but most of the time its become hard just fighting for myself.
I have never met anyone with my 'condition' in person.
I traveled over 300 miles from Reno to San
Francisco to see a chief dermatologist at Kaiser Permanente that was made to see me after I fell ill in the city on a visit a few weeks
prior, and was ironically sent to the KP urgent care. Within my 45
minute appointment, he wrote everything down, listened to everything I had to say about my condition (never mentioning morgellons for reasonsof my own) and was ultimately told that he believed I was sick indeed, would need to be seen by specialists, have a series of more tests done.....but that in the end.... I'm just another person with their hands tied behind their back, because I have no insurance.
In school and within my job in Chicago while I was out there for ten
months going to school..this was not an issue, but when I would need it most I had already fallen too ill.
In all honesty I'm scared inside... I know I've been fighting illness for
quite awhile now, and some days I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I'm deterred by our
current status in this country and how people of all sorts with no
insurance are handled...it's given me a dismal perspective on ever
finding help and while at this moment- I should be going to the doctor seeking help. I'm usually at home fighting it in whatever ways I can (water, vitamins). I really don't have more resources
than my own person now. And thats not saying much because I might be the poorest person you know at the moment.
Recently, I got a call from a man in Canada who tried to give me an optimistic approach to having this... many of his words struck some kind of chord in me, it made sense in some way... he spoke of how this was a gift because it gave us a broader consciousness of our bodies... a perspective of how people are and who truly loved us...
this was my e-mail to him (after having a bad day) a few days after that call...
Hello again Stan,
I've been thinking a lot since we last spoke. I guess I've just been thinking about the metaphor you made about people being 'plugged into the system' and those of us who are trying to break free from it... what is the significance of this conciousness if we still live within 'the system'... what does it mean to be more aware? Are we better off then anyone else living by society's standards? Maybe in some way, but my 'Self' or 'Being' more enriched, more enlightened, does not seem to make it more possible for me to be who I want to be or live the way I would have wanted to- via the means of education for example... So while at times I feel this optimism and I know spiritually what is right, I am hit with this pessimism of a cold reality - one that I am living now. When some people talk of purpose... it is extremely hard for me to see what mine is... Like you already know, this hit me at 20 years old, when I was just starting to hope I would be able to eventually 'find my niche' in the world ...which in the end I always hoped had to do with helping this planet, the life on it... but I was cut short, and in an extremely painful manner...so fate, if it exists- is too complex for me to understand right now. I'm in this position now (not having many more options) where I might need to decide whether or not I will join the military (air force) soon . I just don't have the money or the capabilities as I see it now to further myself otherwise... of course I would have to hope I would be able to push through all the health issues, and keep it to myself like I have become so accustomed too.
Believe me, this was never the way I saw things playing out, and even doing so goes against any values I have come to make my own over the years..
I'm not trying to limit myself... but I have tried to push myself in many different ways since this began... all leading to more pain and now this familiar stagnant state. When I was smaller, you know, the age when they tell you - you can be whoever you want to be - I dreamed of traveling the world, getting a degree, and then joining the world wildlife organization or the peace corps...maybe becoming a primate biologist like my hero back then, Jane Goodall...
but here I am now... almost 22.. in medical debt, stuck living in an emotionally abusive home with no where to go and no one to go to. I have had my moments in the past when it seemed like death is just what the world was expecting of me... and I have since had to keep telling myself the happiness and love I have so longed for, would be there, someday... and then it would all be worth it. I have survived this long...many traumatic chapters starting from the beginning of my life... life would somehow... balance itself out in the end...
but I guess I'm still waiting. Trying to find different ways of seeing how this could still be possible.
But I find living within the un-reality of my dreams seems to still be a much more comfortable place to be then to wake up to this each morning not having much more to look forward too. I don't even have a car anymore, as I had to sell it to escape Illinois, so I really am in a kind of prison bound by these walls these days. I'm sorry to bother you with so much negativity or emotion. I think I am just having one of those days. I do not ever want to feel sorry for myself...it is a feeling that I loathe as I know many human beings are in different states of 'suffering' many much more dark than this... I just can't go on much longer not knowing how much reserve strength I have left...
.............................................................................................................
since then I've also realized I would be lying to myself if I attempted to join the military...
Anyways...
sorry that was so long. It is what I live with everyday. Some people born unto families and friends will have some kind of safety nets...be it financial, emotional...
well I have no nets. So what is it that I am to do?
One can only reach rock bottom so many times.
I'm sorry to everyone .
img.photobucket.com/albums/v718/brittingermany/morgellons7.jpg
My name is Britta.
That link leads to a video that explains some of
it... I made it a several months ago... (my skin has now since healed or 'scarred' a bit more but I always fear it will return to be as bad)
It's coming up on a year since I started getting really sick.
Since I've been self diagnosed (approximately seven months now), I have done nothing but research this and similar cases in different ways, i.e. - medical journals, online support groups, even
writing doctors back and forth from all over the country...
Right before the skin problems began, I moved to Illinois to get to know my biological father. I was raised in a single mother home and this truly was a whole different experience for me - he sells commercial aircrafts and I was told he would help me start college (as I never had the money to do so before)... naturally I had to at least give this a shot.
A month or two after I arrived ( around August 2007) I started to fall very ill and noticed deep sores on my left arm that would not heal. This slowly progressed to these appearing on my abdomen and face. At this time I had been working at a Trader Joes and going to classes , starting what I believed to be my future. It was to say the least a full-time deal. My father thought I was just having a case of acne or impetigo maybe, and then later I came to find out was constantly being told by his wife that it was my 'poor hygiene' and that I didn't know how to live a 'clean way'... I was doing this to myself. Anytime I needed medical attention, I was made to go to one of those ' sliding scale' clinics. I took a series of different bloods tests (CBC and both Hepatitis) and even made myself get a PAP just to rule out everything. The doctors were all the same, I was always in and out and prescribed some kind of cream, pill... I either had dermatitis, impetigo, or foliculitis. Of course my headaches, my recent loss of vision, and my poor immune system was never taken into account or explained. Eventually I felt so sick I could no longer function at work or in school. I felt like a complete failure and my father made this feeling more concrete. He could not understand, how could he? Ultimately my father did not accept nor acknowledge that an 'unknown disease' could exist.. we are a society to believe that whatever is not in our books must not be there- and this is why so many scientists and doctors are having problems confronting this now (if they choose to confront it at all). I was no longer the cute perfect blonde hair child that my father once remembered, and so I eventually began to evolve a perspective from behind different eyes (I now consider I gift of sorts) to the ways of modern humanity, society, social class. My father didn't ask for this, and he was already under so much stress from work. He didn't need a daughter who is 'making' herself sick. No one could understand, not even myself, and it became this paranoia that everyone I worked or went to school with would think I'm on drugs or was a meth user. So then alas after only getting worse in the environment of Illinois, I came back here to the mountains. I'm staying with my mother out in a modest 'house' on a tiny dusty ranch in not the most ideal of living circumstances... but it's somewhere. My mother is also in no condition mentally or financially to understand this either..so at twenty- one years of age, I'm all I have.
I have been told I might be one of the youngest to simply aquire this on my own.
I've been to over twenty Emergency Rooms in the past two years-
I've dealt with problems involving my lymph nodes (a phase of frequent strep throat infections starting at 19 ending at 20) and chronic fatigue prior a couple of years before noticing signs of morgellons (i.e.non healing sores, lesions, blurry vision and of course the neurological effects- which might now also be related to the phase of strep)
I try to do everything recommended - I have tried
changing my diet many times, taking homeopathic supplements, working on my immune system, detoxifying my liver and taking my doxycycline hyclate...
I meditate.
Some days are better than others... but at the end
of the day..I'll still have a collection of scars and the occasional
sores (especially when I'm not on my doxycycline).. and I'm almost always in some level of pain.
I used to be a pretty exchange student who traveled Europe for a year and had high hopes for the future... now I'm stuck in a very difficult and seemingly perpetual stagnant state- all I have now is my
spirituality to try and find some balance in things... but it is hard to even do that at times.
I wish I could do everything and anything for every single person going through this...because it seems like we might be the only ones to help each other...but most of the time its become hard just fighting for myself.
I have never met anyone with my 'condition' in person.
I traveled over 300 miles from Reno to San
Francisco to see a chief dermatologist at Kaiser Permanente that was made to see me after I fell ill in the city on a visit a few weeks
prior, and was ironically sent to the KP urgent care. Within my 45
minute appointment, he wrote everything down, listened to everything I had to say about my condition (never mentioning morgellons for reasonsof my own) and was ultimately told that he believed I was sick indeed, would need to be seen by specialists, have a series of more tests done.....but that in the end.... I'm just another person with their hands tied behind their back, because I have no insurance.
In school and within my job in Chicago while I was out there for ten
months going to school..this was not an issue, but when I would need it most I had already fallen too ill.
In all honesty I'm scared inside... I know I've been fighting illness for
quite awhile now, and some days I don't know how much fight I have left in me. I'm deterred by our
current status in this country and how people of all sorts with no
insurance are handled...it's given me a dismal perspective on ever
finding help and while at this moment- I should be going to the doctor seeking help. I'm usually at home fighting it in whatever ways I can (water, vitamins). I really don't have more resources
than my own person now. And thats not saying much because I might be the poorest person you know at the moment.
Recently, I got a call from a man in Canada who tried to give me an optimistic approach to having this... many of his words struck some kind of chord in me, it made sense in some way... he spoke of how this was a gift because it gave us a broader consciousness of our bodies... a perspective of how people are and who truly loved us...
this was my e-mail to him (after having a bad day) a few days after that call...
Hello again Stan,
I've been thinking a lot since we last spoke. I guess I've just been thinking about the metaphor you made about people being 'plugged into the system' and those of us who are trying to break free from it... what is the significance of this conciousness if we still live within 'the system'... what does it mean to be more aware? Are we better off then anyone else living by society's standards? Maybe in some way, but my 'Self' or 'Being' more enriched, more enlightened, does not seem to make it more possible for me to be who I want to be or live the way I would have wanted to- via the means of education for example... So while at times I feel this optimism and I know spiritually what is right, I am hit with this pessimism of a cold reality - one that I am living now. When some people talk of purpose... it is extremely hard for me to see what mine is... Like you already know, this hit me at 20 years old, when I was just starting to hope I would be able to eventually 'find my niche' in the world ...which in the end I always hoped had to do with helping this planet, the life on it... but I was cut short, and in an extremely painful manner...so fate, if it exists- is too complex for me to understand right now. I'm in this position now (not having many more options) where I might need to decide whether or not I will join the military (air force) soon . I just don't have the money or the capabilities as I see it now to further myself otherwise... of course I would have to hope I would be able to push through all the health issues, and keep it to myself like I have become so accustomed too.
Believe me, this was never the way I saw things playing out, and even doing so goes against any values I have come to make my own over the years..
I'm not trying to limit myself... but I have tried to push myself in many different ways since this began... all leading to more pain and now this familiar stagnant state. When I was smaller, you know, the age when they tell you - you can be whoever you want to be - I dreamed of traveling the world, getting a degree, and then joining the world wildlife organization or the peace corps...maybe becoming a primate biologist like my hero back then, Jane Goodall...
but here I am now... almost 22.. in medical debt, stuck living in an emotionally abusive home with no where to go and no one to go to. I have had my moments in the past when it seemed like death is just what the world was expecting of me... and I have since had to keep telling myself the happiness and love I have so longed for, would be there, someday... and then it would all be worth it. I have survived this long...many traumatic chapters starting from the beginning of my life... life would somehow... balance itself out in the end...
but I guess I'm still waiting. Trying to find different ways of seeing how this could still be possible.
But I find living within the un-reality of my dreams seems to still be a much more comfortable place to be then to wake up to this each morning not having much more to look forward too. I don't even have a car anymore, as I had to sell it to escape Illinois, so I really am in a kind of prison bound by these walls these days. I'm sorry to bother you with so much negativity or emotion. I think I am just having one of those days. I do not ever want to feel sorry for myself...it is a feeling that I loathe as I know many human beings are in different states of 'suffering' many much more dark than this... I just can't go on much longer not knowing how much reserve strength I have left...
.............................................................................................................
since then I've also realized I would be lying to myself if I attempted to join the military...
Anyways...
sorry that was so long. It is what I live with everyday. Some people born unto families and friends will have some kind of safety nets...be it financial, emotional...
well I have no nets. So what is it that I am to do?
One can only reach rock bottom so many times.
I'm sorry to everyone .
img.photobucket.com/albums/v718/brittingermany/morgellons7.jpg