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Post by sarahconnor on Aug 21, 2006 0:43:32 GMT -5
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got 3 people here in separate rooms who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves, alright?"
George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opens the door into the first room.
In it is John Howard floundering around in a large pool of water. He keeps sinking and resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air.
Such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George cries. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long, forever."
The Devil leads him to the next room.
In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer. The room is full of large rocks.
All Blair does is swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time, over and over, smashing rocks and more rocks immediately appear to replace the ones he smashes.
"No! exclaims George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if I had to smash up rocks all day, forever!"
The Devil opens the third door.
In it, George sees Bill Clinton pegged out naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs spread-eagled out. Bent over Clinton is Monica Lewinsky, busily doing what Monica does best. George Bush looks at this in disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, okay, I can handle this."
The Devil smiles and says gently...."Monica, you're free to go."
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Post by texasrose on Aug 21, 2006 7:28:43 GMT -5
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.
St. Peter says, "Okay, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's most exquisite creations and you turn me down. She simply gargles and spits and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," St. Peter says, "But even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
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Post by sarahconnor on Aug 21, 2006 17:22:22 GMT -5
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS: No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. DEATH: Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. DEATH (YOUR OWN): This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. We appreciate your cooperation, THE MANAGEMENT
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Post by sarahconnor on Aug 21, 2006 17:39:24 GMT -5
THE DOCTOR SAYS...... --- But He REALLY Means... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Well, what have we here...?" --- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" --- I'm stalling for time.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"Let me check your medical history." --- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." --- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"This should be taken care of right away." --- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Let me schedule you for some lab tests." --- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"Let's see how it develops." --- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." --- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." --- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little." --- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.
"This should fix you up." --- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...
"Everything seems to be normal." --- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." --- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
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Post by aussie on Oct 17, 2006 17:40:48 GMT -5
Had to add this to today's posting just for a laugh.....................................
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
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Post by aligator on Jan 6, 2007 3:01:10 GMT -5
what do you see when the Pillsbury Dough boy bends over?
his dough-nuts.
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Post by sarahconnor on Jan 9, 2007 2:14:40 GMT -5
Subject: Women!
Driving to the office this morning on the A50, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup! It scared me (and this is coming from a bloke....) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.
Bloody Women Drivers !
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Post by maggiemae on Feb 15, 2007 23:26:26 GMT -5
Truth! For once, an ETERNAL TRUTH... Sometimes you will cry and no one will see your tears... Sometimes you will laugh and no one will see you smile... Sometimes you will fear and no one will see you shudder... Sometimes you will fall and no one sees you struggle... Sometimes you will lie and no one will catch you ... Sometimes you will be late and no one seems to notice...
[shadow=red,left,300]But fart just one time....[/[/shadow]size] (I wish we could somehow attach "Morgellons is real" concept to this!!***) Mm
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Post by whiterose on Feb 16, 2007 17:15:19 GMT -5
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly, "That was my pager," she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, " That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The older woman felt very low tech, not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom, she returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said, "Well,Will you look at that I'm getting a fax!!
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Post by aligator on Mar 20, 2007 0:34:10 GMT -5
"Investment opportunities"
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these mergers in 2007:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5.FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally:
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: *itty *itty Bang Bang
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Post by sarahconnor on Jun 18, 2007 19:31:01 GMT -5
An Asian woman goes into a bank in Auckland and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller,
Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo my money, today I ony get a hunat eighty?"
The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."
The Asian woman says, "Fluc you Kiwies too!"
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Post by booniesboy on Jun 18, 2007 21:13:50 GMT -5
Half the people in the government are brain-dead! The other half wish they were.
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Post by sarahconnor on Jun 19, 2007 1:49:01 GMT -5
That is friggin hilarious!
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Post by gobotrocker on Aug 17, 2007 17:30:05 GMT -5
Clue: Moving day mishaps @ 70 MPH.
Answer: What is a Do-it-Yourself tag sale on the Mass Pike?
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Post by gracebeours on Sept 9, 2007 12:29:09 GMT -5
A middle aged woman suffered a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. While being operated on, she underwent a near death experience. Seeing G_d in her vision, she asked: "Is my time up?"
G_d answered " No. You have another 38 years, 4 months and 7 days to live."
Soon the woman made a full recovery and was so relieved to be alive that, since she was already in the hospital, she decided to roll back the years with a facelift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck. She also had her hair colored to hide the gray.
On being discharged, she was making her way home when she was knocked down and killed by a car!
Arriving in heaven, she berated G_d: "I thought you said I had another thirty-eight years. Why didn't you pull me away from the path of that car?"
G_d said: "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
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Post by whiterose on Sept 22, 2007 16:45:53 GMT -5
To funny:
Subject: The miracle of toilet paper
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, He uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, Although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
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Post by skytroll on Sept 27, 2007 20:32:04 GMT -5
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Post by whiterose on Sept 28, 2007 19:26:28 GMT -5
Here is another one for you:
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
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Post by whiterose on Sept 29, 2007 16:32:10 GMT -5
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Post by whiterose on Sept 29, 2007 16:34:59 GMT -5
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Post by whiterose on Sept 29, 2007 16:38:42 GMT -5
And beings I have glided into the comic book area; I cannot deny the existence of the comic villian Morg, although it seems like with Morgellons the general populace does have the ability not to see: www.silver-surfer.us/Character_Bios/morg.html
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Post by whiterose on Sept 29, 2007 20:42:36 GMT -5
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